Even If It Breaks Me Read online

  Becca slowly moved out of the way, her eyes locked on our interaction. She was right, I did deserve this. I didn’t know guys like Dylan existed, or that I’d be privileged enough for someone like him to give his heart to a girl like me. The only other love I had ever known had ripped my soul apart and threw it out like it had never mattered. Dylan did the opposite. He loved me, he cherished me, and he made forever feel a whole lot shorter than it was.

  “You’re who fate got right for me too, Jade.” He leaned his head toward mine, lips barely grazing mine. “Don’t ever doubt that.”

  I shook my head, in awe of the man standing in front of me. “I wouldn’t dream of it. You’re the one thing I’m sure of in this life. You gave my heart a reason to beat again, my lungs a reason to breathe. You gave my soul hope, and I’ll always love you for that.”

  “You two are like a lovesick poem in the making, and oddly, I’m not sick of it,” Becca commented from beside us. “Well, not yet, anyway.”

  “We are a little gross, aren’t we, Dylan?” I asked, laughing at how truly lovesick we were, but in the best way, of course.

  “Yeah, but, at least it’s a two-way street.” His thumb brushed softly against my cheek. “If it were a one-way situation, then I might be worried.”

  “Life’s too short to not express your emotions, love included. So, expect to hear all the gross things for the rest of your life, Mr. Conrad.” I placed a hand flat against his chest.

  “I’m looking forward to it, Jade soon-to-be-a-Conrad Young.” His lips met mine fully, kissing me hard.

  I sighed. Life couldn’t get any better than it already was.

  But it can get worse.

  I shook the negative Nadine from my mind and focused on Dylan and the feel of his lips on mine.

  I wasn’t a cynic, or I tried not to be, but I had never been this blissfully happy before. Somewhere within, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the level ground I was on to shift. Eventually it would, but I wouldn’t be prepared for it when it did. I wasn’t even sure I’d survive it this time. History had a way of repeating itself, but I prayed to fate that this time it wouldn’t end the same.

  PRESENT DAY

  “I’m so glad I left the wedding planning to our moms,” I said, snuggling against his chest, my leg resting between his. “I can only imagine the amount of stress I’d be under.”

  “I know we’ve joked about this before, but I’d be happy with just you and me at a small chapel in Vegas or something,” Dylan said, his fingers running along the length of my bare arm.

  “I know, and I might take you up on that. There’s still time, after all. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

  “Jade, you say the word and we can put a lid on the big wedding,” he assured, sounding cool as ever. His calmness was something that kept me grounded, since, ya know, naturally, I freaked out more than I’d like to admit.

  “It’s a month, I think I can handle it.” I adjusted my body so that my chin rested against his chest as I stared up at him. “Can you believe we’ll be married in just a few short weeks? Where has the time gone? I mean, it feels like just yesterday we were moving into our condo and graduating from college, officially starting our lives as adults. It’s insane.”

  “It is,” he agreed with a chuckle. “But honestly, I’m so in it with you, Jade, that I don’t feel like much time has passed at all. No amount of time will ever be enough.”

  “I love it when you say sweet things like that to me, Dylan.” I pressed a kiss against his chest, letting my lips linger. “There’s no one else I’d rather do life with.”

  His lips quirked up in a smile and his blue eyes twinkled. My heart tripled its beating. I was in a constant state of amazement when it came to Dylan and his love for me. I never knew it could be like this, and it was something I would be eternally thankful for.

  Just then, my phone started buzzing from the nightstand on my side of the bed.

  My side.

  My soul did a happy dance. That never got old. Two years of living together and I was still obsessed with how perfect things were.

  Becca: Meet me at the bridal shop. It’s time to try on your dress.

  I groaned, burying my face against Dylan’s skin. He hugged me to his body, his laughter vibrating against mine.

  “What’s up?”

  “How many times do I have to try on my wedding dress?” I asked, pulling away from his embrace and sitting up. “Every time I go in, it fits like a freaking glove. I love that dress, but after today, I swear if I have to try it on again before the wedding, I might just burn it and buy another one.”

  “It’s going to be fine, I promise.” He reached out, gently squeezing my upper thigh. “Now get dressed and head out before Becca comes barging in here. I’m still scarred from the last time she showed up uninvited.”

  Dylan fake shivered, and I laughed. He and I were doing what couples do, enjoying our time together—sans clothes, of course—when she walked in holding wine and chocolates with red-rimmed eyes, waiting to start our post-breakup girls’ night. Needless to say, we had a system now, one where she gave me at least five minutes notice before walking into our apartment.

  “She’s just as scarred, believe me,” I assured him, sliding off the bed in search of some clothes to throw on.

  “Really? Because I remember, quite clearly, I might add, Becca cheering us on before we told her to get out.”

  I leaned over, laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. “Oh gosh, that’s right. I almost forgot about that. Ugh, that was hysterical. Thanks for the reminder, love.”

  He threw a pillow my way, but I dodged it and walked over, leaning down to place a chaste kiss against his lips.

  “I’ll see you later, okay? I love you.”

  “Not as much as I love you.”

  “Wow, you’re on time. I’m impressed.” Becca clapped her hands, a grin on her face.

  I stuck my tongue out. “Yeah, yeah, let’s just get this over with.”

  “In a month, you’ll finally be Mrs. Conrad,” she said, a blissful look in her eyes. “Are you ready to finally tack on that name?”

  “I am, I really, really am,” I told her honestly. “It’s more of a formality, anyway. I already feel like I’m married to him. And though I would have wanted it to be a bit smaller and a lot less stressful, I am looking forward to the big day.”

  “I bet. It’s been a long time coming.”

  We waited by the dressing rooms for a few minutes before the sales lady brought the dress out, hanging it inside one of the empty rooms.

  “Let me know if you need anything or if we need to make notes of any adjustments that need to be made,” the lady, whose name tag was hidden by her lengthy hair, said kindly. “I’ll just be at the front.”

  “Thank you,” I said softly before turning my attention back on my best friend. “I will say this though, this better be the last time I have to try on this dress.”

  “Why? Are you starting to feel like a dress-up doll or something?” She asked, head tilted to the side and brows lifted up.

  I shook my head, laughing hard. It wasn’t even that funny, but I couldn’t help myself.

  A few minutes later, I walked out of the dressing room in the dress I’d marry my best friend in and stood in front of the full-length mirror, Becca’s eyes shining as she assessed me.

  The dress truly did fit like a glove and hugged my body in all the right places. I looked gorgeous, and it made my heart smile.

  I could do this. I would do this.

  I was nervous, sure, but I figured it was normal. I mean, if I were too put-together, it’d be a bit concerning, right?

  I shook off the nerves and smiled at my reflection. “This is every girl’s dream, and you’ll finally get to live yours. You’ve got this.”

  When the words left my mouth, my phone immediately started buzzing from its spot on the lone wooden stool in the corner.

  I grabbed it, not bothering to look at th
e screen before answering. I figured it was probably Dylan since he knew where I was. He’d probably try to convince me to send him a sneak peek, and like always, I’d refuse.

  “Hello?” I answered, happiness clear in my tone.

  It was silent on the other end.

  “Hello?” I tried again.

  “Jade,” A deep, familiar voice said from the other end of the line.

  My heart stopped mid beat, and I gasped for breath, shaking my head.

  No, God no. Not now.

  It couldn’t be. It was a memory playing tricks on me.

  I cleared my throat. “This is she. May I ask who’s calling?”

  “It’s Sebastian, Jade. Or Tian, whatever.”

  I gripped my phone, pressing it hard against my ear.

  I was wearing the dress I was going to get married in in a month. The dress I was going to marry someone who wasn’t him in, someone worthy of my love.

  I should have hung up. I should have blocked the number. But I didn’t. I physically couldn’t. My soul wouldn’t let me.

  “Jade?” He asked softly. “Are you still there?”

  He knew I was, prick.

  “What do you want, Tian?” I asked harshly. “It’s been six years of practically nothing, aside from the time you whirled in and out of my life in an instant a few years back. What could you possibly want now?”

  “I heard you’re getting married in a month.”

  “I am,” I said without hesitation. “Exactly a few weeks from today I’ll be walking down the aisle to the man I’ll promise my forever to. What. Do. You. Want?”

  “I want to see you,” he said slowly, almost cautiously.

  I felt suffocated in my dress. I took deep breaths, barely processing what he was asking and why he would call after so much time had passed with nothing.

  “No,” I said in a hard tone.

  “I need to talk to you, Jade, please.” He was pleading with me, and it was so unlike the boy I used to love that I didn’t know how to respond for a moment.

  “Give me an hour, that’s all I need.” He begged.

  And because once upon a time my everything once belonged to him, I couldn’t deny his request. I couldn’t say anything other than the words that left my mouth next.

  “Okay. Text me when and where. But an hour is all you get and then we go our separate ways.”

  I hung up, angry tears blurring my vision.

  I fell to my knees and cried. It was the only thing I could do to keep from kicking and screaming and letting the confusion and shock of hearing his voice for the first time in six years completely break me.

  I would go. For an hour, I would go to him, even if it broke me.

  “Jade, who was that?” Becca asked softly, her knees falling to the ground and her arms wrapping around my body. “Jade?”

  I swallowed over my tears, breathing in deep. “It was Tian. He wants to see me.”

  “What?” She asked, her shock mirroring my own. “Let me guess, you’re not crying on the floor in your wedding dress right now because you denied him, am I right?”

  I nodded my head, gasping for breath as more tears clogged my throat, vision blurring. “It’s a mistake, right?”

  “I want to say that, but the truth is, I’d probably want to see him too if I were in your position,” she said, surprising me.

  “You would?”

  “Yeah. I would.” Her fingers wiped my tears. “You are strong, Jade, you always have been. But he’s the first person you ever fell for, it’s natural to want to see him, especially after so many years of silence. Just be careful. Okay? Keep yourself guarded.”

  “I will,” I said, determination setting in my veins. “Besides, there isn’t much more of myself that I can give since Dylan basically has full ownership.”

  Becca groaned, her eyes rolling. “Ugh, you two and your love. It is disgusting and cute, and I freaking love how poetic you both get about each other. It’s, like, the type of love that musicians write about. Freaking. Epic.”

  I laughed, my tears halting. “You’ll find that someday, too, Becca. And when you do, you’ll understand that the poeticness is out of our control. Sometimes, that stuff just spills out, and half of the time, I even surprise myself.”

  My phone buzzed in my hand.

  Tian: 8 o’clock. The park. I’ll see you then.

  Her eyes softened, and her hand squeezed mine. “Are you sure you’re ready to see him?”

  “No,” I said honestly. “But I have a lot of questions that I’ve needed answers to for years now, so why not get them tonight? I mean, I’m glad it’s happening now before the wedding and not after. It makes sense for me to get closure, that way when I marry Dylan, this all will truly be behind me.”

  “Okay.” Becca nodded her head, understanding. “I’m here for you, always. Be careful, okay? He’s a manipulative, lying prick, and I really am not in the mood to castrate somebody this week.”

  “You and me both.” I sighed. “You and me both.”

  I could do this.

  No, I couldn’t.

  I shouldn’t.

  Deep breaths, Jade, deep breaths.

  Gosh, what was I even doing? My heart pounded a mile a minute and my hands shook, fear taking root in every nook and cranny of my being. Every part of me screamed that it was a bad idea. Yet, there I was, walking to the spot at the park that used to be ours, the same spot at the same park that I had avoided since the day we said goodbye.

  This was possibly the worst thing I had ever done. I hadn’t even mentioned it to Dylan, who is so sweet that he believed my lame excuse of having to comfort Becca over a boy. I was going to get struck by lightning for this. I was seconds away from striking myself, honestly.

  It had been years. I had no reason to put myself in this position, but I needed answers. One being how the hell he had gotten my number when I had blocked him and had it changed at some point over the years.

  Another? Why was he at the pizza slash makeshift bar and dance club when I was in college? How did he even know that’s where I’d be?

  I shouldn’t have cared. I knew that. But the parts of me that he had kept when he left, when we parted, hadn’t stopped hoping that he’d someday return. And now that he had, the teenage girl who had fallen hopelessly in love with him? She was resurfacing. Well, her memories were, anyway. Every fight, every lie, every insecurity played out in my mind like a record on repeat. I willed them away, but they wouldn’t budge. I was revisiting the past and all I could do was let it happen. But I was doing it to myself. I only hoped it was worth it, that whatever closure I had been searching for was here. Because if it wasn’t, then what was the point?

  I shook off my nerves and ignored the twisting feeling in my stomach. I rounded a corner, and within a minute I was standing in front of Tian. I avoided looking up for a moment, my chest heaving up and down and my eyes watering with tears I refused to shed.

  “Jade,” he said, his voice cracking. “You came.”

  “You knew I would,” I whispered, my voice so quiet I wasn’t sure he’d heard.

  “No, but I hoped you would. It’s been so long,” he breathed out, and I could sense him running a hand over his face. “You look beautiful.”

  I fought back an eye roll. “Let’s not do this, okay?”

  “Do what?” He asked, playing innocent. He knew damn well what I was referring to. “You won’t even look at me.”

  I released a long, deep breath and closed my eyes.

  One, two, three, just look up Jade. It’s fine. He’s just a boy.

  I opened my eyes, my gaze slowly sliding up his body before meeting his eyes. They were just as deep as I’d remembered, his chocolate irises blinking a few times as they locked onto mine.

  “What do you want, Sebastian?” I bit, ignoring the shake in my tone. “Why did you want to meet?”

  “Don’t marry him.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked, taking a step back.

  “Don’t marry him,” h
e repeated, his voice strong and steady.

  “You’re a jerk,” I said, disgusted. “It’s nice to know some things really don’t change.”

  “Jade,” he said, visibly frustrated. His hands reached for mine, but I pulled them out of reach, shooting him a glare.

  “If the reason you wanted to meet was to tell me not to marry Dylan then this was a waste of time.”

  “I love you, Jade. I always have,” he said softly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed back an emotion I couldn’t quite name. An emotion I didn’t want to identify.

  “You’re a few years too late with that one, buddy,” I said, ignoring the small flip my stomach did at his words. “Maybe try again in another lifetime? Or, ya know, don’t.”

  “You’re just as feisty as I remember,” he said, having the nerve to actually smile sweetly at me. “It’s one of the things I lo—”

  I cut him off. “So help me, if you use the elle, oh, vee, e, word again I am going to walk away without a second thought.”

  “I’m sorry, I am.” He sighed. “I’ve missed you, Jade. I mean that.”

  “It’s hard to miss what you never really had,” I said, lying through my teeth. At some point, I had wholeheartedly belonged to him, and he knew that, but that was another time, another me. It didn’t matter anymore. “Are you going to tell me what you want?”

  “I wanted to apologize for the little shit I was back when we dated,” he said, actually sounding sincere. “I didn’t deserve you, and I’ve regretted my actions since the day I lost you.”

  “Okay, well, I appreciate that, but you broke my heart, Tian, and coming back from that wasn’t easy. It hurt like hell,” I said slowly, looking around the empty, poorly lit park. “But is that all? Because if it is, then I really should be heading home.”

  “To Dylan?” His voice leaked disdain.

  “Yes, to Dylan.” I narrowed my eyes, suspicious. “Are you seriously salty about this? How do you even know his name, anyway?”

  “Social media,” he mumbled.

  “Sebastian Hayes, have you been cyber stalking me?” I asked, my brows rising in curiosity.