Even If It Breaks Me Read online

  “It’s fine.” I smiled up at him and lowered my voice, making sure Erin couldn’t catch a word even if she tried. “I understand. There’s just something I really needed to talk to you about, but it can wait.”

  “Yeah? Are you sure?” His features shifted from light to tight, and his worry lines showed. “I can ask her to leave if you need me. Work is work, but you’re home, Jade. At the end of the day, you’re the most important thing in my life, the only thing that matters.”

  Tears burned from behind my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away.

  “I love you, Dylan Conrad,” I sighed, in awe of his ability to make everything else fade away. “But don’t worry. We can talk about this later. You get back to work, and I’ll fix something to eat. Did you get a chance to eat?”

  “I haven’t, but I’m starved, babe,” he said, leaning down to press a soft, quick kiss against the side of my neck.

  “Good, then I’ll put something together,” I said, slightly tilting my head to the side.

  “You’re too good to me,” he said softly, his lifts brushing against my skin. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

  The guilt returned, and I loathed myself. I needed to tell him what had happened. It might not have seemed super significant, but I knew he would want to know. I would if I were in his position.

  “Get back to work.” I put on a smile, shooing him away. And because I was trying to be a nice human being and not a jealous, insecure one, I directed at Erin, “I’ll make enough for you too Erin. We can catch up, if you’d like?”

  Her smile looked just as tight as mine felt. “Sure, that sounds great.”

  So, I made dinner and chatted with my fiancé and someone who I used to consider a close friend. It was awkward and forced, but they worked together, so I’d continue to play nice. Besides, she hadn’t made an out-right play at him, just some harmless flirting and random touches. It made me shoot laser-sharp glares her way, but again, it was harmless. I’d worry if I didn’t get possessive or jealous about it.

  It wasn’t too bad, aside from that, but I was anxious for it to be over. The guilt was shredding apart any security I had felt even a few days before. Security I needed to get back if I wanted my relationship with Dylan to continue. Which I did. One thousand and ten percent times infinity.

  Tian was my past, but he was also someone I never thought I’d ever see again. I needed to push him back where he belonged. My future with Dylan depended on it.

  I stayed in the living room while he walked Erin out. My legs are crossed and my knee kept bouncing, anxiously waiting to get the long-overdue conversation over with.

  Dylan walked in and sat beside me, all smiles and deep blue eyes. His light never dimmed, and I loved him so much for that. So. Freaking. Much.

  I didn’t want to watch it dim, but there was no other option. Tian had texted me a few times within the last few days, and though they were innocent and went ignored, it still didn’t sit well with me.

  “I know you two aren’t as close as you used to be, but thank you for being so cool about her being here,” he said softly, his hands pulling my own into his lap. “I still should have given you somewhat of a heads up. We’ve just been really busy at work and it slipped my mind.”

  “It’s fine, Dylan. It really is.” I smiled over at him, but it felt instinctual and fake.

  If I noticed it, I knew he’d notice it too.

  “What’s wrong, Jade?” He asked, his voice laced with worry and concern. “Did something happen?”

  “There’s something I need to tell you,” I admitted, trying to pull my hands from his, but he wouldn’t let up. Instead, he gently tightened his grip, shaking his head at me.

  “Don’t pull away from me, babe,” he said softly. “We’ve never been that couple, and we aren’t going to start now. Whatever you have to say, I promise it’s okay.”

  “You can’t promise that.” I swallowed over a lump in my throat. “It’s going to change where we’re at and I’m scared.”

  “Listen to me,” he said sternly and gently. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, can ever change where we’re at. I’m in love with you Jade. You have every part of me, and even though I sound like some corny lead actor in a romantic comedy sometimes, I’m okay with that.”

  I laughed, rolling my eyes at his ridiculousness.

  “I’m serious, Jade.” His eyes held mine. “You know I am. So, tell me what’s wrong and we’ll get through it together, just like we always do. No doubt about it. Cross my heart and hope to love you even more.”

  I laughed again as tears fell from my eyes, creating wet trails along my cheeks as they made their way down.

  I took a deep breath. “Tian contacted me a few days ago. The day I went in for my dress fitting, actually.”

  His jaw ticked, but other than that there was no other reaction from him. He nodded his head, silently encouraging me to go on.

  “I met up with him when I told you I was going to comfort Becca,” I confessed sadly. “There was no boy who hurt her and there was no comforting. I just needed to tell you something that you’d believe and not question.”

  “And you thought lying to me would be the best way to do that?” He asked tightly, his brows drawing together. “What happened?”

  “I met with him at the park where we first met and hung out and we talked,” I said, finally prying my hands from his. Not that he was putting up much of a fight, but still. “He told me not to marry you and that he had been following my life via social media, even though I was unaware he even had one. He was never one for stuff like that, but anyway, he apologized for how he treated me and I told him we could be friends, nothing more.”

  “Is that all that happened?” He looked relieved and I wanted to crawl into a dark hole at what I was about to tell him.

  “No, that isn’t all that happened.” I shook my head, playing nervously with my engagement ring. “He kissed me.”

  “He kissed you?” He asked, anger, shock, confusion all fluttering across his features.

  “Yes,” I barely managed.

  “Did you kiss him back?” He asked slowly, looking pained as the question left his mouth.

  “Not intentionally,” I told him honestly. “I was frozen, rooted in place and taken back to the girl at fourteen. When I snapped out of it, I pushed him away and slapped him. But I never should have let it happen at all. I’m sorry, Dylan.”

  I was full on sobbing, hiccupping as I tried to gauge his reaction, or non-reaction, rather. He looked cool as a cucumber.

  “Why aren’t you saying anything?” I asked between breaths. “Please say something.”

  “I’m trying to process, Jade, that’s all,” he said slowly, his eyes looking everywhere else but mine.

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, Jade, I’m not mad,” he said with the shake of his head. “I’m hurt and disappointed, but not mad. Never mad, Jade.”

  “Then why won’t you look at me?”

  “Because I can’t,” he said simply. “I need some space to myself for a few minutes, okay? I don’t want to say anything I’m going to regret later.”

  With that, he stood up and left the room. I jolted when I heard the front door close. It didn’t rattle or slam, it just shut like it always did. His calmness worried me most.

  I should have followed him, I wanted to, but he needed his space, like he said. So, I gave it to him. I stayed on the couch and wallowed in my own self-pity, praying to whoever would listen that he’d walk back in and comfort me.

  I waited two hours. He never came.

  As humans, our instincts often tell us that revenge is the best option, the quickest way to feel better about a situation where you’ve been done wrong. If someone hurts you, hurt them back. Plain and simple.

  Except it wasn’t plain and simple. It was grand and complicated and I only had myself to blame.

  I woke up to the sound of someone kneeling in front of me. A large, warm hand pressed against my f
orehead, gently pushing the loose hairs out of my face. I opened my eyes, adjusting to the morning light.

  I looked around at my surroundings. I was still on the couch. I must have fallen asleep while waiting for Dylan. My sweet Dylan who knelt in front of me, his eyes sad and rimmed red.

  “Hey gorgeous girl,” he said in a low voice.

  “Hi,” I managed to croak out. “What time is it?”

  “Just after six,” he answered softly. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”

  “You did,” I said, my voice slightly raising. I sat up, pulling from his touch. “You did worry me. I didn’t know whether or not you would come back.”

  “Jade, you should know by now that no matter what I’ll always come back to you,” he said with conviction. “Always.”

  “I’m sorry for kissing Tian, and I’m sorry for lying about where I was, and that I met with him in the first place,” I said, letting the words spill out of me like a river running. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Why did you lie about it in the first place? I would have understood, Jade.”

  That shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. “You would have?”

  “Of course,” he said, sounding so sure. “He was your first, and from what I understand, there was never any real closure between the two of you. I get that.”

  I narrowed my eyes, slightly suspicious. “It isn’t fair that you’re so cool about everything. I feel like you should be more upset with me.”

  “I am upset with you, Jade,” he sighed. “I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t suck, because it does, but I understand.”

  “Where did you go last night?” I asked, preparing myself for whatever answer he’d give.

  He cleared his throat, looking sheepish. “I went to Erin’s.”

  My eyes widened and tears blurred my vision, but before any could slip free, he gripped my face between his hands and held my gaze. “Don’t let your mind wander there, okay? I couldn’t sleep, so I asked if she wanted to pull an all-nighter for the assignment we’re both working on. She agreed, and I went over there. That’s it.”

  “Is it?” I asked, disappointed at the accusatory tone in my voice. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me, especially after what I told you last night.”

  He chuckled, and the sound bandaged my bleeding heart. “Jade, it’s okay. But yes, that’s it.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said lamely. “I know I’ve said it a few times already, but I mean it. I really do. I just, I don’t know what came over me, but I hadn’t seen him in so long that I think a sliver of me hoped he could somehow heal whatever parts broke when he left. But that was pointless because you already took care of that. You put my heart together and showed it how love should be.”

  “Jade, I’m in this forever,” he said, smiling kindly. “Nothing will ever change that. I’m going to need some time to process this, but I’ll get over it.”

  “You will?” I sounded so hopeful, I almost cringed at myself.

  “Yeah,” he confirmed with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

  I ignored it though, I ignored the sharp pains of doubt searing through my entire existence and took his words, hanging onto them for dear life.

  “Nothing will ever change the way that I feel about you,” he said, pressing a soft kiss against my lips.

  Despite his words, something definitely had changed. I just chose not to see it at the time. I had no right to question or doubt, not when I had done what I did. What I would do again. The past was a curse and when it barreled in and held you captive, there was no way to escape or hide from it. I just wish I knew it at the time.

  I was breaking, and I didn’t even know why. How screwed up was that?

  “Jade, you look exhausted,” Becca voiced when I walked into her apartment.

  “I need something to numb this pain,” I said, dropping beside her on the sectional in her living room.

  “Why? What happened?” She asked, concerned.

  I shot her a look. “What do you think?”

  She gasped, surprise writing itself all over her face. “You told Dylan?”

  “Yeah, and it went just as well as you’d expect it to.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, he stayed at Erin’s all night, though he claims it was for work and not pleasure,” I told her, my hands moving animatedly as I spoke. “I’m not even sure why I’m doubting him. I know, like really know, that nothing would ever happen between them, but I think because of what I let happen with Tian, that I almost expect it? Or feel like I deserve it somehow? He was too calm, too understanding, and it made me feel like crap. I don’t deserve him, so it makes sense for him to run to Erin.”

  “Jade, give the guy a break,” Becca said, shaking her head. “You know him, and no, you don’t deserve for him to hurt you the way you did him. That’s not how love works. That eye for an eye stuff is an archaic method that people need to stop using as rational for hurting people. Dylan isn’t that guy, so stop what you’re doing to yourself. Let him process. You’re getting married in, like, three weeks, and he hasn’t called it off yet, has he?”

  “No,” I grumbled. The thought had briefly crossed my mind before, but I kept pushing it aside because I knew how ridiculous it sounded.

  “Then you’re good to go.”

  “I just feel so guilty,” I confessed.

  “You didn’t really do anything wrong, but I’d probably feel the same if I were in your position,” she comforted with a small smile. “Just give it a little bit of time, longer than forty-eight hours, and you’ll feel better about it. You were honest, and unfortunately honesty comes with a price, but it also has some rewards, so don’t worry about it. Just live your life, love that man of yours, and focus on the next few weeks. They’re going to fly by and before you know it you’re going to be walking down the aisle, exchanging vows with that perfect man of yours.”

  “You’re like a love guru sometimes, you know that?” I supplied, biting back a smile of amazement. “I can’t wait for the day you settle down and fall in love. Whoever he is, he better know how lucky he is, I can tell you that.”

  “Oh, he will. That you can count on.” She winked, a smirk spreading across her face.

  Becca was right, I just needed some time. Dylan and I both did. I hadn’t really done anything wrong, it isn’t like I had asked Tian to kiss me, but had I been honest, that situation and the betrayal that followed could have been avoided.

  We’d be fine.

  We would.

  “You’re going on a guy’s trip? Two weeks before our wedding?” I asked as Dylan slid on a backpack and zipped up his duffle bag before gripping the straps in his fist.

  A few days had passed and though we were semi back to normal, things hadn’t been the same. Something was off, and I couldn’t place what. I think a part of me was just honestly too afraid to ask.

  “Yeah, it’s a last-minute thing,” he shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s a surprise bachelor getaway. The guys have apparently been planning it for a while now, but they couldn’t exactly tell me because it would have ruined the surprise. But they told me some details because they had to get me on the plane somehow.”

  “You’re leaving?” It was the only thing running through my mind.

  “Well, yeah.” He shrugged again.

  I sighed and crossed my arms, irritated with his flippantness.

  “Why are you angry about this?” He asked, brows drawing together in confusion.

  I uncrossed my arms, wondering the same thing.

  I was being paranoid. I knew I was. I was turning into the type of person I always swore I’d never be. I needed to get over this, whatever it was. Maybe a weekend apart was exactly what we needed.

  “It’s been a long week,” I weakly supplied. “But enjoy your trip. Be safe, okay?”

  He checked his phone before sliding it into his front pocket.

  “I will.” He smiled, gently gripping my chin between his fingertips. “I love you
, Jade. I’ll see you Sunday night, okay?”

  “Okay.” I nodded, not sure what else to do.

  “I know things have been rough between us and I’m sorry for that,” he said softly in a low voice. “But I do love you. That won’t ever change. You’re my soulmate.”

  “You’re my soulmate,” I repeated. My heart felt like it was back on solid ground and not on the seesaw it had been on for the several days.

  His words brought me home, and home was where I wanted to be—where I needed to be.

  “I’ll see you in a couple of days, okay?” He presses a quick kiss to my lips before leaving.

  I watched him go, the uneasiness returning as I heard the car drive away. Something had shifted between us. The love was still there, but it felt off. I could have been reading too much into things, but I hoped when he returned that we could figure it out together. This isn’t the way things were supposed to be, and I had no one to blame but myself.

  All I could do was wait, wait and hope that when he came back our actions would match our words, that our love could conquer this. It had to, otherwise … I didn’t want to think about the other half of that sentence. We’d get through it. We had to. But the more those words played out in my mind, the less I believed them.

  “A bee-ef-ef night is exactly what we needed, Jade,” Becca sang, lifting her arms above her head as her body swayed to the music pounding throughout the club we were in.

  I just smile, mimicking her movements, not really in the mood to be at a club when I felt like my world was on the verge of falling apart.

  “Come on, Jade, what’s the deal?” She asked, head tilting to the side in confusion. “Is this about Dylan and his boy’s trip? It’s his last hurrah before the big day, it’s not like he left forever.”

  “I’m just not in the mood to dance at a club with a lukewarm, watered down drink in my hand,” I stated, placed the half-full cup on a nearby table.