Even If It Breaks Me Page 16

“You say that every day,” I pointed out, not hating it in the least.

  “That’s because every day I mean it,” he whispered against my lips, another kiss following.

  Sure, I had my surprise all set up and planned, but standing there with his arms wrapped around me, my plan went away and excitement took over.

  I placed my hands over his and moved his touch from my lower back to the front of my lower stomach, where a small hard bump stood. I rubbed it along the surface a few times before catching his eyes.

  Midnight blues narrowed in confusion before realization dawned on them. They widened, a question brewing in their depths.

  I nodded as tears fell from my eyes, blurring my vision, and joy shook my body.

  “I had noticed, of course I had, but how do you tell your wife her stomach is rounding out?” Dylan asked, amazement in his voice.

  “You don’t,” I laughed at his honesty and sincerity.

  “How far along are you?” He asked, his eyes never leaving my stomach. His hands gently rubbed along my cotton shirt.

  “Oh, right,” I said, shaking my head. “I had this whole thing planned out, so give me a moment.”

  I pulled out of his embrace, slowly stopping his hands from their roaming. I took a few steps back, removing the sheet from the picture frame I had put together. Inside were ultrasound pictures, a sanitized positive pregnancy test, confetti, ribbon, pictures of Dylan and I from over the years, and bold, cursive lettering that spelled out: You + Me = Love & a Baby!

  I stared at Dylan, watching as a slew of emotions filtered over his features, from shocked to happy to downright thrilled.

  I brushed away my tears, but it was no use because he blinked a few times, a few of his own tears slipping free. He pulled me against him in a tight embrace.

  “We’re having a baby?” He asked, his hands finding a spot over my stomach again.

  “Yes, we’re having a baby,” I confirmed softly. “Happy one-year anniversary, soulmate of mine.”

  “You so win this year.”

  I laughed, rolling my eyes. “No, we both win this year. We’re gonna have a mini us running around here soon.”

  He pulled away from me, his hands moving to fidget with the hem of his shirt. “Uh, yeah, so, my gift to you might not be the best idea anymore.”

  I raised a curious brow before glaring at him. “Why is that?”

  He held up a finger, backing away. “Give me one second.”

  Dylan walked back in a few moments later, a box with holes in his hands.

  “Dylan, please tell you didn’t …” I started, but he shook his head, a goofy smile on his face.

  “Meet Milo, the new addition to our ever-growing family,” he said, placing the box down and pulling out a baby all-white husky with blue eyes. “What do you think?”

  “I think we definitely might have tied on the gift-giving greatness this year,” I said in wonderment, pulling the puppy from his arms to mine and cradling it to my chest.

  “Conrad family, clan of four, here we come,” I announced, giddy with happiness and love. “Thank you for continuing to be the best thing to ever happen to me. Life is better with you, Dylan, and there’s no one else I’d ever want to do it with.”

  “Ditto, Jade Conrad,” he said, smiling against my lips as he kissed me deeply. “Ditto.”

  I’ve learned that love is patient and it is kind. I used to believe those sentiments were falsely representative of the emotion that brought with it uncertainty and pain, but it offered more than that. It offered healing, understanding, and everything good.

  I was sitting in a chair by the window in the nursery, holding my baby boy against my chest, as I debated on opening the envelope I had done nothing but stare at for the past few days.

  My mother had handed it to me when she came to visit. She said she had found it behind one of my book shelves while she cleaned out my room. Why she waited all these years to finally get rid of my stuff and make the room her own, I’ll never know. Anyway, she handed it to me and said, “Here, this was addressed to you. I found it while cleaning out your old room.”

  I didn’t recognize it at first, but after a few moments, it dawned on me. In the middle of my relationship with Tian, I had written myself a letter, one I wanted my future self to open at some point. I remembered feeling lost and alone, unsure of what the future held, of if I would lose my heart or not.

  I fiddled with the edges, breathing in deep.

  You can do this, Jade. They’re your own words. There’s no reason to be afraid.

  I nodded to myself. I needed to read these words. I had started to strongly believe that everything had a purpose, a time and a reason, and the fact this letter was found after all these years—well, I needed to trust that there was no better time to read it.

  I opened the letter, the stiffness of the old pages crinkling as I did. I kept one hand on my baby and the other on the pages in front of me. I closed my eyes, gathering some emotional strength, before reading the words written in messy scrawl across the pages.

  Jade,

  It feels so weird to address you as that because you’re me. And I’m you. But I’m going to get to the point. Right now, it feels like the end of the world. Trust me, I know. You’re questioning love and you’re losing your light. Funny how one boy can dictate your happiness so much, right? It’s a load of bull. Wherever you are now, wherever you’re reading this, I have a few pieces of advice for you because I don’t want you to lose hope like I have. I want you to live the life you’re meant to be. If fate still feels like she’s fighting against you, well, she can go shove it. Anyway, here’s that list.

  Trust your instincts. If something seems off, it probably is.

  Live your life for you and not anyone else. You only get one, so why waste it by giving it to someone who isn’t going to appreciate that sacrifice?

  Know that you are worth every star in the sky. Above all else, I hope you’ve figured this out by now.

  Love is really great when it’s shared with someone who treats you right. I really hope you’ve found that by now, and if you haven’t, then dump the schmuck (it’s a fitting word, right?) and find someone who’ll treat you like the beautiful human being you are.

  Lastly, don’t let the darkness win. There’s so much light in this world and you have so much to give. I believe in you, Jade. We’ve got this. We always have.

  I reread the words a few times, tears falling harder each time I processed what my younger self had left for me.

  Even during a time when it didn’t feel like things would get better, I managed to find hope. These words, this letter, helped me realize just how far I had come.

  I wasn’t the same girl I was then, by any means, but in a lot of ways, I was exactly the same.

  Love isn’t a lie. It’s one of the greatest gifts this life has to offer, and I wasn’t ever going to take the love I had for granted.

  THE END

  What Readers Learned from Their First Love

  Note: These reasons were submitted by readers via Facebook and a Google form. They are published as they were sent in, completely unedited but minus the emojis used, and credited based on their Facebook name or the name they requested be used.

  “My first love taught me that you have to talk to someone. We fought three times and broke up three times, but I loved him like crazy. We never really talked to each other, we just yelled a lot. If we didn't like something we yelled at each other, broke up, and then made up.” — Caitlinn Ashley

  “My first love taught me that they don't always have to love you back, and that's okay. Because one day you'll meet someone who will love you just as much as you love them, and they are the ones you fight for.” — Liv Moore

  “To just relax. I am a priority too. And if something seems off it probably is.” — Mary Dean Kazen

  “I learned from my first love is never go back to them more than once” — Nicole Cook

  “Life goes on. You are young baby girl and he ain�
��t worth your tears.” — Scales

  “My first real love taught me that was someone special and am capable of doing great things. He also taught me that even though he couldn't love me the way that I deserved to be loved, someone out there would. I just had to be patient and not give up on the idea of real love.” — Ebony McMillan

  “I had many boyfriends but didn’t love until I met Tony. He was close to his family, went to church every Sunday, had a great job, was smart and had his priorities straight. We were late teens/early 20’s. I was the wild child...drinking, clubbing and having fun. He broke up with me because of my lifestyle choices. He was the one that got away! We reunited on Facebook a few years ago. He’s happily married... posting about his wife & family. I can’t help but feel a little jealous when I read them. I wonder what would life be like if we didn’t break up. He taught me about the important things in life. It certainly wasn’t at the bottom of a bottle. If only I could turn back time...” — Kelle

  “I learned from my first love to never settle for just anyone to make me happy.” — Jamie

  “I learn that no matter what, nobody can force you into things that you don't want to. That you are worth it so much more that someone thinks you worth it. And no matter what, nobody can't treat you like trash, or doubt in you. Everybody deserve pure and unbreaking love. The partner that will support their love ones and no matter what they will stand by their side, holding their hand and whisper words of support into their ears.” — Jasmina

  “Cheaters always cheat.” — Missy

  “That its okay to love and be yourself that no matter what never let anyone change you.” — Cynthia

  “I learned to love myself first and not let someone change who I am” — Amanda Lee

  “That I am enough, just as I am. I don't have to change my looks, likes, dislikes, personality or anything else to be loved!” — Rachel Reynolds Young

  “My First REAL Love taught me... Never love anyone, more then you love yourself. And, NEVER put up with being treated, with anything but, the Love & Respect that you deserve!” — Happy B

  “Time heals wounds and it is possible to be friends with an ex. Everyone grows and changes and becomes someone new. We learn from our mistakes and from our weaknesses and our strengths love is worth fighting for. The people you are when you’re young and in a relationship is not the person you are always going to be. Sometimes that love doesn’t go away .” — Mandy Dawn

  “It taught me that everyone isn't as they seem. They all have things going on or they might seem like they really care, when I'm reality they really don't.” — Lexi

  Five books down and this is always my favorite slash hardest part. I’m incredibly blessed to have the support system that I do, and without them, these books wouldn’t be possible; I can honestly tell you that.

  Liv Moore & Kimberly Reese — My girls. Ugh. You make this author thing a million times easier slash more fun slash the best it has ever been. I mean, you make life that way, too, but you already knew that. Three amigas until the end of time is what we are. Now, when can we reunite? Kim and Liv time.

  Family — You know who you are, and you each know how special you are to me.

  Edna — My best friend, my sister, you support me through it all. It’s one of the many reasons I love you.

  Dom’s Reading Daisies, my reader group — You all are the absolute best. Your support has meant the absolute world. A few standouts? Cynthia, Kelly, Jamie, and Mary. You keep the group alive and going. Thank you.

  Betas — There were a few of you and you really helped shape this story. Thank you for your time and energy and comments and opinions. I’m so grateful.

  The rest of you — None of this would be possible without you. You want my words and my stories and I love receiving messages from you all. It keeps me going. I appreciate you.

  Dominique Laura is an advocate for love and mental health. She’s snarky and sarcastic, and she lives in sunny Los Angeles with her dog, who she’s slightly obsessed with. When she isn’t writing, she’s either reading or swooning over animals.

  Reader Group: Dom's Reading Daisies

  Trusting the Surface

  Trusting My Own Heart

  This Life Isn’t Mine

  Here I’ll Stay

  I wanted to give up.

  I wanted to give into the hurt and not look back.

  I wanted to let my demons win and succumb to the pain.

  I didn’t want to live because leaving would be easier than dealing with it all.

  But leaving wasn’t an option. Not when my best friends held onto me for dear life, and not when my heart had found one more person to beat for.

  I was going to fight. I was going to love.

  I was Daysie Flores and I was going to find every reason in the world to live—to stay.

  Note: This book contains graphic scenes with physical and verbal abuse, as well as alcohol and drug use.

  Prologue

  Boys were cruel.

  Scratch that.

  I wasn’t one to discriminate. People were cruel. In general. Always, constantly hurting others for their own twisted pleasure and gain. I hated it. I never understood it. Mostly because I was on the receiving end of that hurt but also because it made no sense to me. We were all created equal, with no choice but to live the lives we were given. I was a firm believer in that. It’s why I chose kindness over anything else. But that kindness was tested whenever someone made fun of me, someone like Jason, who had been my number one bully since kindergarten.

  Right now was one of those times.

  “Oink, oink.” He mocked from beside me.

  We were seated beside one another in class. Every day of the school year I was forced to sit next to the person who liked me least in this world, well second to my own father, anyway. I resisted the urge to elbow him in the rib cage.

  Kindness, always, I silently reminded myself.

  “Oh, come on, little piggy, you aren’t going to oink for me?” He continued to taunt. Everyone else laughed, while I seethed. I narrowed my eyes at the group of people watching our interaction.

  “You aren’t worth the time or effort, Jason. You and I both know that,” I said softly but firmly, focusing my attention on anything but his heated stare.

  “Just because you lost all that weight, it doesn’t make you any less disgusting, don’t forget that.”

  “What is your problem with me?” I clenched my hands against my thighs, still facing away from him. “You’ve been a jerk since we were kids, and I don’t understand why.”

  “Simple,” he said, leaning in closer. His breath fanned against the side of my neck, and I stiffened in response. “You’re an easy target. Always have been, always will be.”

  Saved by the bell, I grabbed my things and booked it out of there without looking back. Senior year was almost over and then I would be done with him—or so I thought.

  I had been sitting alone, eating a sandwich in the mall food court, waiting for my two best friends to show up, when a group of guys walked by.

  I heard laughing, then a few snickers, followed by, “It doesn’t look like you need to eat anymore.”

  I turned, ignored the burning sensation behind my eyes, and prepared to face the boy who had been taunting me since grade school. And considering we had just started winter break, it was a wonder he even had the strength to continue with this—this being whatever it was he had been doing. It was a cross between bullying and torture.

  “Jason, always a pleasure.” I kept my eyes trained on him and my voice level, hoping to muster up enough courage to get rid of them before Maci and Sarah showed up. They had no problem telling Jason and his group of friends where to shove it. I, on the other hand, had nothing but problems when it came to him and his group of friends. Especially when it came to defending myself.

  “But really, do you need to eat anymore? You’re looking a little chunky these days.” His friends didn’t suppress their laughter.

  The b
urn behind my eyes grew stronger but I resisted the urge to cry. I wouldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength to. “You’ve been saying that for years. Don’t you have any new material to use?”

  “Oh, I do.” He leaned his face toward my own, his nose inches away from mine. “I just know you’d end up eating your feelings out after and since you’re already fat, I wouldn’t want to do that to you.”

  I sucked in a breath. He had always been cruel, but somehow his cruelty only seemed to get worse the older we got.

  His new comment had stung. It stung a lot.

  And that’s another reason why you shouldn’t stay, I thought to myself.

  I blinked back tears, or tried to. Judging by the wetness I felt strolling down my cheeks, I’d say I didn’t succeed.

  My eyes drifted past the smug pair in front of me and landed on a sea of crystal blue ones not far behind. I recognized the boy they belonged to from around school but I had never really looked at him before, especially since he was friends with Jason. Anyone associated with him was sure to be trouble. That, or the devil’s spawn. Either option could be true, honestly. Point was, I knew better than to acknowledge anyone in Jason’s group.

  I turned my eyes back to Jason’s cold, hard ones. “Are you finished now?” My voice cracked but I hoped it was strong enough to get him to leave. Luckily it was.