Even If It Breaks Me Page 4

  I shivered.

  No.

  I wasn’t going to do this to myself. We were happy and in love, and that was the most important thing, right?

  Right.

  “Earth to Jade? Hello?” I looked at my best friend, rolling my eyes at her sass. “Ah, there she is. Why do you always space out when I mention anything about your relationship with Sebastian? I don’t get it.”

  “It’s just a complicated situation and when I think of it outside of the go-lucky place he and I have been hiding in, it makes me question everything,” I said honestly.

  “What does that tell you, Jade?”

  “I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

  “You’re dang right I am.” Her finger flew up, her tell that things were about to get serious and that she wasn’t going to hold anything back. I braced myself. “It tells you that maybe you’re spending your time with the wrong guy. I mean, we’re cheerleaders and we’re cute and fun and there are guys at our own school, our own age, who try to get to know you but you always blow them off. Every single time. There are guys who would let you into their lives, not keep you out of it like Sebastian or Tian or whatever his name is has.”

  Tears burned behind my eyes, but I blinked them away, clearing my throat. She wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t make her words hurt any less. The truth was always painful to hear, especially when you hid from it for as long as I had.

  “I think I love him, Becca.” I admitted softly, saying the words aloud for the first time. “How am I supposed to just walk away from that?”

  She sighed. “I just think you need to live your life beyond him. You wait for him to call or text, and you put all your energy into him when we aren’t at practice or games or even school, but sometimes even then your mind is on him and not on your own life, on the things right in front of you.”

  I flicked away an escaped tear. “I get what you’re saying, I do. And I’m going to talk to him because it is sketchy. Of course I know this, but you’re right. I should be making more of an effort in my everyday life.”

  “Okay, Jade.” She smiled, giving me a long, tight hug. “Now, it’s your birthday, and I know your Saturdays are typically reserved for him but would you be willing to have a girls’ day with me instead?”

  “It’s the only time I get to spend any time with him, Becca,” I said apologetically.

  “I know, I know, but when was the last time we did anything fun outside of school or cheer?” She pouted, pleading with me. “You’re my best friend and I’m almost positive that in another life we were sisters or something closer, and I miss hanging out with you.”

  I blew out a breath, unsure of what to do but knowing what the right thing was. She was my best friend and one of the most important people in my life.

  Before I could say anything, she said, “Please, Jade. I won’t beg for anything else for at least a month.”

  That made me bark out a laugh. She was insane, but she was also the greatest, so really, my decision should have been a no-brainer.

  I sighed dramatically. “I mean, I don’t know…”

  “Jade, can you please take me out of my misery? Pleaaaaaase.”

  She looked so hopeful that I couldn’t find it in me to do anything other than agree. Besides, one Saturday away from him wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it?

  Wrong. So, so wrong.

  I hadn’t heard from Tian since my birthday when I told him I’d be spending my Saturday with Becca. That was almost a month ago. He seemed confused, but considering he hadn’t wished me a happy birthday, I guess it made sense. Though that didn’t make it sting any less. He had forgotten. But it was just a birthday, right? I mean, some people don’t even celebrate them.

  I swallowed over the lump in my throat whenever I thought about it.

  He had ghosted me. That’s what Becca called it anyway. He ignored my texts and phone calls and hadn’t met me at the park each Saturday that passed, though I waited for hours against our tree, hoping and willing him to show up. But he never did.

  Naturally, I thought I was the issue, despite Becca repeatedly telling me that I was far from being the problem.

  It was Sunday night, another Saturday had passed without him, and I was in bed, eyes wide open well after midnight. I couldn’t sleep. Not with my heart hurting and my mind reeling from the possibilities of what I had done wrong. Was it a mistake to skip out on our Saturday?

  No. Stop. You spent time with a friend, there’s nothing criminal about that.

  I closed my eyes, begging sleep to come, when my phone started buzzing beside me. I grabbed it, knowing that only one person would be calling this late at night.

  “Hello?” I asked quietly.

  “Hey, Jade.” Tian’s smooth tone slid through the line.

  I breathed in relief. “Hey, Tian.”

  It was silent for a moment, and all we did was breathe. It was awkward but also oddly comforting, or maybe I was just reading too much into it.

  “I’m sorry I disappeared this last month, Jade,” he said softly. “Jessica had the baby and things have been crazy.”

  My heart fell. “She did?”

  “Yeah.” I could picture his lips quirking up in a half smile. “A boy. His name is Shane.”

  “Shane?” I repeated, unsure of what else to say. I knew about the baby, but it felt more real. He had a son. A son named Shane. With his ex-girlfriend.

  “Yeah, he’s so small, Jade. I love the little guy already.”

  “I’m happy for you.” I swallowed over the tightness. “For both of you.”

  “We aren’t together, Jade. She and I have a baby together, yeah, but my heart is with you. Always with you.” He promised, but it felt broken, not quite as whole as it might have been a year or even a few months before.

  I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face. It was hard, more difficult than I thought it would be. Maybe I was too young, too naive to be put in a situation like this. But I loved him. I needed him. So, what was I supposed to do?

  “Jade, you have to believe me,” his voice lowered.

  “I do,” I said through my tears. “Of course I do. But maybe that’s the problem. I believe everything you say to me when you haven’t given me much reason to.”

  “What do you mean?” His voice hitched, almost like he was scared.

  “I mean that,” I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “You say a lot, but you don’t really show me.”

  He was silent on the other end, so I went on. “I mean, disappearing for a month? A month, Sebastian? I was worried and of course I blamed myself, but I’m not sure I’m the problem. You and your secretive life are.”

  “My secretive life?” He sounded confused and that cracked my heart a little. Was he that oblivious?

  “You only share the surface stuff with me, Tian.”

  “What can I do?” He asked, sounding determined.

  “Give me more than just Saturdays. I need more of you, otherwise what’s the point?” The ultimatum flew out before I had any time to process it.

  “I’m not sure if I can, Jade. Not with everything going on with Jessica and our new baby.”

  “Then I guess I’ll see you around?” It was immature of me, sure, but I hung up and silenced my phone, knowing if he called me back, I’d pick up on the first ring.

  I was growing tired of his games. The more time I spent in this situation, the more I realized how incredibly suspect it was. I knew fairytales were a crock, but there was a time when I truly believed Tian was a knight in shining armor in disguise. Now? Now he was the opposite.

  But as I drifted off to sleep, a question flashed through my mind.

  Could I really let him go after all the time we’d spent together?

  Who knew.

  “You look tired this morning,” Becca mused, narrowing her eyes on the bags under mine. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said unconvincingly. “I just had a rough night.”

  “Do you wan
t to talk about it?” She asked, concerned.

  “No?” I said, unsure. “I mean, maybe.”

  She reached out, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. “You can talk to me, Jade. You know I’m always here for you.”

  “I know, I just don’t know if you’re going to like what I have to say.”

  She looked at me expectantly, her silence giving me the go ahead to get this weight off my chest.

  “Tian called last night.”

  “After a month of ghosting you?” She sounded surprised. “What did he want?”

  “I’m not really sure why he called actually,” I replied truthfully. “But he did share that Jessica had her baby. Their baby.”

  “Oh?” That piqued her interest.

  “Yeah, a baby boy. His name is Shane.” I threw my hair up in a messy bun, frustrated. “Does it make me a horrible person that when he told me my heart broke a little. Even repeating it out loud stings. And why? I knew about their situation, about the baby.”

  “Knowing about something and actually going through it are very different, so I don’t blame you. And no, it doesn’t make you a horrible person. It makes you human. You’ve been extremely patient and understanding with him, I’m surprised it hasn’t bothered you this much before.”

  “I don’t think I wanted it to, so I ignored my feelings and accepted what he was giving me, what it meant to be with him.” I shook my head. “But if I’m being honest, we aren’t really together. I don’t even know what this thing with him is, but I do know that if it stays on the course it’s been on for the last two years, I don’t want it. And I told him that.”

  “You did?” Becca’s eyes widened.

  “I told him I wanted more than what we have now, and he said he couldn’t do that, so, that’s that.” I shrugged, trying my best to act nonchalant about it.

  “I’m proud of you,” she declared. “I really am.”

  “What? Why? My heart feels like it’s been stomped on a million times and shredded into a million tiny pieces. How does that make you proud?”

  “Well, I’m not proud of the fact that you’re hurting, but I am proud of you for finally speaking up. I know you never really said it, but I could tell the relationship wasn’t the type you wanted.”

  “It wasn’t, but I wanted the boy, and I thought that would be enough, but it’s not. I don’t think it ever was, I just convinced myself that it was.”

  She nodded in understanding. “How are we so mature for our age? I feel like we’re sixteen going on twenty-four. Oh gosh, can you imagine us at twenty-four? I can’t wait.”

  I laughed because I totally could. “We’ll probably be just like this, having heart-to-heart conversations and venting about life.”

  “I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else, Jade.”

  “Ditto.”

  I would be okay. Life had its reasons, its streets and backroads that lead you to where you’re meant to be, and maybe Tian had been one of those. Maybe.

  Time was weird, especially when you were in love. It either seemed to speed up or slow down, but two years had passed by quick, and I wasn’t mad about it.

  I ended up giving Tian another chance. How could I not when he gave me his Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday, and every day in between. He had been making an effort, and I loved him for that. I still kept him from my parents though. I mean, sure, I was a week from turning eighteen and a few months shy of graduating high school and going to college, but I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure that my parents would not approve of their daughter, their only child, dating a boy three years older. It wasn’t a huge age gap, but considering we had met when I was fourteen and had four years of history, there was no way I was risking it.

  Tian had even gotten on Becca’s good side. We went on double dates a lot, most of which ended with her deciding she didn’t like her date after all. She had fun and made the most out of her high school years. I envied her sometimes because of that. Sometimes. Mostly, I didn’t envy her though because I was happy. Did I mention that already? Well, it’s true. Mostly, anyway.

  Things are still complicated with Tian and his ex and their son, who is honestly a really cute kid, but we’ve been making it work. We aren’t perfect, but we’re us—whatever that means.

  “Daydreaming over there, Jade?” Becca asked, flicking a rose petal my way.

  It was Valentine’s day and we were keeping each other company since both of our dates had conveniently bailed. Not a huge surprise since with everything going on in Tian’s life, what with having a kid and being a father and all, he was more flakey than usual.

  “Yeah, just thinking about the last two years.” I paused. “Actually, the last four, really.”

  “I’ve noticed you do that when Tian acts like a jerk,” she piped. “Which has been way more frequent, I might add.”

  “One minute he’s here and the next he’s not and sometimes I feel like he’s hiding something from me,” I told her, taking a deep breath. “We spend more time together, sure, but it’s still random and sparse, and most of our texts and calls happen in the middle of the night. It’s frustrating. It’s like all the signs you read about in a magazine when reading about whether your man is loyal or not.”

  “Have you told him how this makes you feel?” She lifted a brow.

  “No. I don’t know how to without sounding needy.”

  “Honesty is the best policy, you know that better than anyone,” she pointed out. “And it isn’t needy. You deserve some answers. He’s changed a lot and I do think he’s a better man but he still has a lot of work to do, Jade. At some point, you’re going to have to decide if it’s worth it. We’re going off to college soon. Do you really want to take this drama and baggage with you?”

  I blew out a breath of frustration. What she was saying was valid. What I was so afraid of, I didn’t know.

  Yes, you do. You’re afraid of losing him for real this time.

  I shook away the voice inside my head, ignoring it.

  I knew what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. The issue? Those three things didn’t necessarily agree with the other.

  “Jade, just tell him how you feel.” She handed me a chocolate peanut butter cup, and I shoved it into my mouth, savoring the comfort only a good chocolate-peanut butter mix could bring.

  “Fine,” I said around the chocolate melting against my tongue. “I’ll talk to him. But if it goes south, I’m taking every piece of candy you have and keeping it for myself.”

  “Whatever you say, bestie.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “If the worst happens and you do take all my candy, I’m not going to take the blame when you start breaking out.”

  I frowned. Breakouts were the worst and for some reason, myth or not, chocolate did that to me. It was a natural thing, sure, but I didn’t care about the way it made me look as much as I did the pain that came from popping the suckers. It wasn’t the greatest feeling, I can tell you that.

  “I’ll talk to him first thing tomorrow, how’s that?”

  “Fine.” Becca pointed a finger at me. “But you better. You have a voice and you need to use it. I love you, but sometimes you give him too much power and that irks me.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, slightly cautious. This wasn’t the first time she had brought it up, but it was the first time I had asked for an elaboration.

  “Sure, things have been better these last two years. He’s given you more, but has he really?” She paused after her question, letting me think about it for a moment before continuing. “You still don’t know much about him.”

  “I know enough,” I interrupted.

  “You know what he wants you to know, but what have you really seen of his life that he hasn’t willingly shown you?” She shook her head, her eyes turning sad but determined. “There are so many signs you’ve been ignoring, and I’ve let them slide and have made an effort to like him and be there for you because you’re my best friend and I love you, but if he hasn’t changed hi
s ways this deep into the relationship, when will he?”

  “He has,” I argued convincingly, more to myself than to her. “I just told you that.”

  “Just talk to him, okay? Ask the questions you’re afraid to ask.”

  “I’m scared, Becca. What if I lose him?” I wiped a tear. I had been doing that a lot lately. Crying. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I was hurting. Becca was right. I deserved answers, I deserved more. Although Tian had given me both of those things, it still wasn’t enough. There were cracks in my heart that hadn’t been there before.

  I was happy, wasn’t I?

  “Just be honest with him, Jade,” Becca said softly. “You deserve to be happy. And I know you think that you are, but the light in your eyes isn’t as bright as it used to be. So, before it completely dulls out, you need to communicate with him.”

  “I know, and I will. When the time is right.”

  “Will it ever be? It’s Valentine’s Day and the person you’ve been in love with for four years bailed on you. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”

  “Wow,” I breathed out, growing frustrated with the honest, though it was something I needed to hear. “You’re right, I know you are, but it’s hard, okay? Besides, I thought you liked him better now.”

  “I do,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I like when he walks all over you like you’re his favorite doormat.”

  “He doesn’t,” I objected meekly, but even as I said the words, I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all myself.

  Becca gave me a sad smile, and I vowed to confront him. For real this time. She was right. We were going off to college soon, is this what I really wanted to take with me? I needed a fresh start, something good, and I wasn’t sure I could do that with Tian still wrapped around my heart. He was breaking new pieces with every day that passed, and by the end of it all, I wasn’t sure I’d have much of a heart left.

  “I’m always here for you, no matter what decisions you make,” Becca said softly. “You know that. So, whatever you decide to do, as long as you really are happy, then I’ll support you.”